It’s me. I often appear to be ungrateful during Christmas. Here’s why:

Gift-giving is an art

It’s the only thing I have yet to lower the bar for – no matter whom it is. It’s not so much as being ungrateful. It’s the amount of thought put into it. Did you do it because you had to or because you wanted to? And if you wanted to, did you think about whether it would put a smile on my face or make me politely say, “I think … you need to return it because I would never wear this.”

Allow me to add that I love giving people gifts that are usefully practical but for me to receive them, it is rare that anyone can please me because they would have to show me that they paid attention just as I did them, listened the way I did them, and be able to express it.

It’s not the gift’s value. It’s the amount of time, thought, and consideration put into it.

I will happily accept a warm embrace over something I could purchase for myself. Or quality time over something I don’t need or want. Laughter over being ignored every day over a silly television show.

Nurturers are the ones behind the outcome while those that seek the “glory credit” have no idea how things are done

They avoid facing the fact that they should have chosen to ask the recipient what they wanted. I honestly would have said, “Quality time and more positivity would be great.” But that’s not what was given. This year, I was given things I could easily get myself and something I would never wear. Meanwhile, I gifted style and usability that they needed and desired to further develop how they are professionally seen by others in all aspects of life.

In the future, I would prefer no gifts anyone could buy. I want the feeling of having a Christmas that isn’t ruined by someone that should know me well getting me a gift that’s disappointing because it proves they don’t listen nor know me as well as I hoped and thought they should.

I’m ok with saying no to gift-giving on Christmas Day at this point in life. Give me love and affection as well as consideration. That’s a prize I would never say no to.

The Solution

Receiving a gift is often framed as a moment of joy and appreciation yet it can often miss the mark when it’s forced. If you’re like me, you’ll notice the signs because the signs are there. If the giver believes you get what you like throughout the year, expressing that they should ask you what you would like is ideal. If they don’t listen to that, then they need to do the work to learn and understand as well as listen to your request when you are asked.

For the record, I make it a point to say often “I don’t like surprises of any kind.” This includes gifts. Therefore, I make it a point to ask recipients what they want if I haven’t noticed what they need. I play no games when it comes to gifts. I simply approach with “What would you like for Christmas? Can you send me the wishlists you have?”

While none of us are perfect in any way, when we choose to love, we choose to listen, and we choose to understand what the one we love has been asking for. The disappointment comes when the person you love realizes you haven’t been listening nor have you shown interest in understanding their needs and wants.

This year, my daughter said she needs a wool coat for professional purposes. She got it. She lives in a snow state. They are absolutely necessary to have.

My brother could have used dressy tennis shoes and he got them. It was time for him to dress like the adult he is.

My husband always needs dressy shoes so he gets them to fit casual dress wear.

My daughter coming home for Christmas was my gift. My brother gave me a massage tool since I’m on my feet all day.

Here’s Where It Went Wrong…

My husband gave me a waffle maker. Yes, a waffle maker. It was one I could buy any day of the year. He also gifted me sneakers because he heard me say how quickly I go through sneakers. What he didn’t listen to was where I said “ I buy the same sneakers over and over. Same brand. Same color because they go with everything I wear while in the field and because they are extremely comfortable.”

So, what did he do? He gifted me a pair of sneakers with a gray body and lime green details. I was flabbergasted. I believe I looked at them as though I had received an old, worn pair of socks – confusion and disdain struck. I whispered, “Oh, you’re going to have to send them back. I don’t wear anything that’s gray and lime green – not in that color combination and I’ve tried this brand before: it doesn’t last longer than two months with how often I walk.” Then there was the name brand wallet. Yes, there was a wallet that didn’t open flat but only 45° with a zipper to scrape my fingers every time I reached into it. It was a pretty one. But I had already expressed in many occasions that I needed my wallets to not have a zipper and open 180°. I also mentioned it will be years before I make use of it if it were to have the preferred features because I’d have to get through the Ralph Lauren, the Calvin Klein, the Prada, the other Kate Spade, and the ostrich skin wallets I’ve been given before getting to this one.

I politely told him : Thank you but I don’t need these things. I am not a person to surprise. I have wish lists and those are things I prefer you shop from since you have had access to them year after year.

I reminded him of the diamond necklace he bought me one year that I only wore once to my daughter’s graduation and never wore again. It’s sitting next to the gemstone necklaces he gifted me 20 years ago that I have yet to wear. I also reminded him of how I declined him replacing our original engagement ring with a new one with a larger stone. I was adamant he not do it because I valued the original more than I could ever value a new one. The old one held memories and it meant the world to me. The new one was an unnecessary expense I didn’t want him to make.

I know, I know, it’s starting to sound as though I’m ungrateful and perhaps I am. Just a little. I don’t like more of the things I already have nor things I need to worry about. I want something he knew I wanted – something from my list.

Earlier, I stated that gift-giving is an art and you have to get it just right when you plan to gift something to someone that is blatantly honest. I like to think I am in fact blatantly honest. I think I am bad at receiving gifts because I can automatically read the amount of thought put into it. Was it something last minute? How much time did you spend thinking of what to get me? Did you feel pressured to buy it?

What I want you to understand, if you are constantly seeing the look of disappointment on your significant other’s face, year after year

1. It’s not the price.

It’s not every person that looks at the price tag. I still recall being gifted a diamond necklace and saying, “Please take it back. You can do so much more with that money than give it to me in the form of something that will make me nervous to wear…” If I lost that necklace or if it were stolen, I would have been in tears. I would have been thrilled with a similar necklace with zirconia embellishments for a fraction of the price.

2. It’s ok to ask for the wish list.

Everyone has a wishlist of items they would like. They are often low -priced items with a few higher priced items, all hand selected by the recipient. Shopping from that list will make the receiver smile. Guaranteed.

3. When it comes to gifts, size doesn’t matter.

For many, it’s not the size of the gift bag nor the box hidden by the wrapping paper. It’s the consideration within that bag or box. Is it something they wanted? Is it something guaranteed to please? If it was on their list, it’s going to be welcomed, I promise you. How? Because they put it there and haven’t purchased it for themselves yet.

Final thoughts:

You can’t go wrong when you directly ask someone what they want or need. You can go wrong when you guess and don’t put any thought into it. It’s not the thought to give you a gift but the effort behind the thought as to whether it is something that will please whom you are giving said gift to.

I’ve been happy with a cute ornament someone chose to gift me; it sits on my tree every year. I don’t know how much it cost but it brought me joy to see it on my tree, reminding me of their friendship. My friends ‘s gifts are chosen from their wish lists – or inspired by them.

Try not to put your friends or family in the position of having to pretend they like your gift. Trust me, everyone there can tell the moment the gift is opened. You can set up reminders to ask your friends and family for their wishlists well in advance so you can prepare for the purchase. You also avoid running into it not being available. Start early and don’t be shy; just walk up to your loved ones and ask them “Hey, so… What would you like for Christmas this year?” and take notes. Immediately. It works and helps avoid making people appear ungrateful when you were the one that didn’t make enough of an effort.

Have you ever been on the receiving end of an unwanted gift? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments!